That which does not kill you makes you stronger...

Well that last blog was intense now that I look it over. Hopefully I did not scare anyone. I have been alone ever since that time and decided that I was not emotinally or financially ready to take care of a child on my own. I do not regret the decision that I made although hard. I now see my faults that lead to the outcome of the way things happened. I got my guitar back and he got his. It felt like closure. Now after months of therapy I feel happy, healthy, and ready to continue my journey in this life. To find what it is I was meant to do. Sometimes we know all along what we are suppose to do but it is just so hard to transcend thoughs dreams into reality. Do I fit into the myths and legends of my land? I suppose not although I am seeking to find what my purpose is. It seems that I can see clearer than I ever could before. I feel stronger and healthier. The only thing that is certain is change...

Pensativa

Okay so I was not really on my way to recovery the way I thought. I was in a relationship with a guy who was a good person deep down but knew nothing would come of it ended that relationship in July and late August early Sept. jumped into a rebound relationship that has lasted almost a year and although I have learned alot it is time to let go of that one too! This person was not ready for relationship although he seemed to be. He had a job, an apartment, and his kid half time. Then he got heavy into cocaine as I hung out with him. He lost his apartment, his job, and only has his kid every other weekend now. Although I know the drugs had something to do with it. It seems it was deeper than that. He had been in a relationship for five years with his babys mama and he was tramatized from the break up. He actually has anxiety, depression, and sleep disorders from it that have taken over his life. He now lives in the ghetto side of Santa Rosa where he has taken over his crack head friends apartment and snorts coke. He does not work, he does not sleep, and he treats me horrible. I was pregnant three months into our relationship while he lived with my mother and he called me cunt, washed-up whore, and slut while I was pregnagnt. He actually very abusive, verbally, mentally, and physcially through his UFC tactics, the funny thing is I tried to have us live together a couple of times and each time he called the cops on me and said that I was abusing him because he knows the system. I was cited once and nothing came of it. Then he had me arrested because he produced a mark and said that I did it to him which I was exonerated from but we are completely toxic as he would like to put it but rather he is toxic to himself and anyone around. It is just really hard moving on because you get used to someone and the regular sex is nice. Its just not worth jail. Ohh and I am pregnant again and I have no idea what to do because I see what it is like for his babys mama and I agree with her totally. So now the question is do I bring a life into this world knowing it will have a broken home? A dead beat dad and that cant pay the child support he owes the daughter he has now. It seems so common now a days yet still so wrong.

Self-Reflection

Wow its already November. Well my Grandma pasted away in July. (I love you Grandma) Never really had to deal with death that close to my family. I read a poem at her "Celebration of Life" (not her funeral) and tears just came pouring out. My mother of course is the one who suffered the most from it all. Hopefully the adoption of my nieces will be final in December. My sister is up from San Jose State for the Holiday-she sure is a little lady. My mother is in Broomfield, Colorado right now with my Little Brother Lucas to see my brother through 8 inches of glass. You know I think its cruel and unusual punishment to have a person shackeled at the feet and hands twenty-three hours a day. Its just wrong. All for burglery!
Anyways, after my grandmas death I went in to self destruction mode and I crashed my car, lost my purspose in life, fell into the wrong crowd, drank, and did drugs. I have been in toxic, destructive, and hopeless relationships since then. It's so hard to do the right thing and we strive so hard to build up to all those good things in life but in the blink of an eye it can all come tumbling down. I guess its like that saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." All and all I have made it out okay. A few minor cuts and wounds that time will heal. At least I am back on the road to recovery. Thanks Grandma!

I'm Back...if any one cares

Ok so I was a bit angry to say the least on the last posting. I have since moved from Paso Robles to Sonoma. Close to the family and the city which I love. Although, Paso Robles and SLO will always have a place in my heart. I hooked back up with some old friends from high school and my crazy-fun roommate. Been going through some tough times since I last logged in. My grandmother is not doing so well with her cancer and my mother happens to be in the business of Hospice and therefore is kicking her ass to make sure her mom is doing okay. One thing I am learning from it all is that when the times get tough the people who are still around are the real ones but its unfortunate that one has to figure it out when its the last thing needed. Family will turn on one another for money and as horrible as it sounds they want it all to be over with so quickly there willing to kill. Its painful to say the least. Humans can be so cruel. My brother is still locked up and I haven't written him for awhile. I will have to do that soon. "No matter what the people say, I'm gonna love ya anyway"...thats for you bro.

I have been working on some projects and getting ready to help out with KPFA and link TV to do some volunteering and donating. I will hit you all up and keep you posted. Love ya, Heather.

Bush and Immigration

FUCK!FUCK!FUCK! FUCK!FUCK!!!! It takes alot to piss me off, but let me tell you, a dumb ass repblican from Texas named Bush really hits the spot. He cannot talk proper English much less give a fucken speech about the federal government needing to refom immgration laws. When you ignore issues like immigration your creating a space for a boil to grow. It will fester diseases like porverty, uneducation, crime, and inhumane practices. You think that the government would look at France with its car-burning politics and Irag with the torture and murder of thousands of innocent poeople in AB-GRAB and see that dealing with issues does not mean trying to put a band-aid over the dam issue. The boil will eventually go away and you will think that it is gone. Then it will pop up some where eles on your body ( or in the world) and you ignore that and try to put a band-aid over that. Eventually you need to go to the doctor where you need to pop the boil. In order to do that you need to find the center of the boil and with a fine needle poke it and then let the boil drain and in some cases you need to laser the dam thing off. Meaning, if you really want to fix a problem you need to face the hard facts and come up with real solutions. The boil never really goes away and you can try to enforce more immgration laws, which means killing more innocent Mexican people who try to cross the boarders for a better way of living, but they will still keep coming. Its like someone who has eaten too much and there pants need to be unbuttoned or it will burst on its own. Thats what is going to happen. Many more people will have to die, riots, and civil wars will need to come about before anyone actually tries to really do something or even care for that matter. Good fucking night!

Black Markets-Body Parts for Sale!!!

It seems that when you have lost everything to poverty there is one thing that remains yours in deed...no it is not your dignity or your pride...or hope...instead it is your body. If selling it for sex does not work you can always just sell your human body parts to the wealthy (that have no morals) in need of a kidney, valves, and brains. The 2003 documentary MacIntyre's Millions by Investigative reporter MacIntyre exploits the harsh reality of the illegal trade of human body parts in third world countries such as India using hidden cameras...watch as members of elite committes make money off of illegal body part selling...so for the poor...even after their death they are being used to make a profit. So prominent is the trade their that there is a city in India called "Kidney City". This immoral and horrific trade is also practiced in Pakistan, Niger, Sudan, and parts of Romania. This is the harsh reality that is so easy to ignore when we don't care.

Why the World Hates America

Today marks the 60th anniversary of a profound and tragic chapter in history and in America's Foreign Policy...Hiroshima reminds us why the world hates America.